The Annika Intercollegiate
We’ve had a busy couple of weeks. Momma, apparently forgetting about the pitfalls of working the Ryder Cup, signed up for another golf tournament. This one, the Annika Intercollegiate, was played at Momma’s golf club and featured the absolute best female college players in the country – if not the world. Even though she was a little worried about what her job duties might en”tail,” Momma was also excited – she planned on studying the golfers’ techniques and maybe picking up a pointer or two!
The problem, as you may recall, is that Momma does not do well working golf tourneys (lacking comprehension, common sense and focus, etc.), and she actually had some real responsibilities for this one.
Upon signing in the first day, she was given a two-way radio (!) and instructed to call in on an assigned channel if there were any issues. (Issues?! thought Momma, already second guessing her decision to volunteer.) Then she was told that she would follow a threesome around the course and – via a site on her cell phone – report their scores to someone or something (Momma wasn’t sure, but she heard it might be the Golf Channel), following the completion of each hole.
This doesn’t sound that difficult, but Momma screwed up on the first hole, entering the wrong score for one of the players. When Momma confirmed the scores (after the fact) and the player in question politely corrected her (Momma now desperately hoping she wasn’t reporting in to the Golf Channel), she keyed in the correction on her phone.
Then, just to be doubly sure that the correction was made, she got on the two-way (apparently this was the type of issue they had in mind) and after about ten minutes of fumbling around with buttons and knobs , finally established contact with another human being. Unfortunately, the other human being turned out to be the owner of the golf club. Now Momma was in a mild panic – would she be replaced as a scorer? Asked to leave the club?
The next day went reasonably well except for one teenie-tiny little incident on the third hole. All the golfers were on the green preparing to putt when a bee landed on Momma’s arm and savagely stung her. Startled, she let out a little scream/cry. (“I couldn’t help it, Lina – it hurt!”) Luckily no one was in the middle of a putt, but the sting interrupted play and all the players and coaches came rushing over to help.
Even though Momma assured the group that she was fine (she actually wanted to crawl in the hole on the third green) everyone sprang into action. The coach from Miami advised Momma that applying mud on the sting had been known to stop the pain and went off in search of some. Meanwhile – unbeknownst to Momma – the coach from Southern Cal radioed for medical assistance, and the Gopher trainer came out to treat the sting. Finally, after a lengthy break in the action and the total loss of concentration, the golfers were able to resume play.
All of this, of course, “begs” the question – “why??” Need I woof more?
A week or two later, Momma held a book club meeting at our house. This was notable because she hadn’t even attended a meeting in over two years (“Too much like homework, Lina, and I often don’t like the book”). This was different, though – Momma finally found a book she liked. It was called Lina Unleashed.
In order to drum up interest, Momma “bit” the bullet and went to the previous month’s book club meeting – and even read the book! She also brought along copies of Lina Unleashed, trying to foist them upon the members. The ladies were understanding about Momma’s two-year absence – almost boycott – and made a donation to the Animal Humane Society (another one of Momma’s selling points), if they had not already bought the book online.
Momma was quite excited about the meeting at our house. She sent out scads of email reminders – advising all of the ladies that I would be in attendance and paw-dographing the book. She even baked a close approximation of dog bone-shaped cookies for the evening’s dessert ~
Next she carefully drafted several deep discussion questions and her good friend, Cathy, graciously led the discussion at the meeting. Predictably, the questions focused on Momma, even though I am the author. That was fine with me, though, because when no one was looking, I was busy checking out the cookies.
As the evening dragged on, one of the ladies, tired of Momma’s thought-provoking questions, asked her what she really wanted to happen with the book. Momma’s honest answer – to have Lina Unleashed made into a blockbuster movie with Cameron Diaz playing her – seemed a little far-“fetch”ed (even to her), so she instead modestly answered that she wanted the book to be a runaway bestseller! (Momma hadn’t forgotten that publishing the book had cost a fortune and that it would almost take an act of God for her to even break even, but the Ladies of the Club did not need to know that.)
As for me, I’m planning on playing myself. Just woofin’!
Lina, Cookie Tester and Aspiring Actress