As you might expect, Momma is a big proponent of the trickle down theory of economics, where all the money starts at the top and allegedly trickles down to the little guy. As you also might expect, Momma doesn’t always practice what she preaches – the only thing that trickles down at our house are spending cuts.
Arguably the best example of her version of the trickle down(to dog) theory was when I got stung on my paw by what I can only assume was a bee. We were at the end of the driveway retrieving the mail when the sting occurred. It hurt like heck and I immediately let out a little yelp and started hopping around, signaling my distress to Momma. She paid little attention at first though, engrossed as she was with her daily stack of catalogs from Nordstrom and Neiman. Finally, though, she couldn’t help but notice that I was only walking on three legs.
Grudgingly (“now what, Lina?”), Momma did a little exam of the injured paw and saw that it was bright pink and two of the pads were quite swollen. Not knowing anything about insect stings, especially on dogs, Momma was once again forced to call the vet’s office. (What if she did nothing and I died – how would she explain that to her friends?) The nice young technician who answered the phone suggested that Momma bring me in.
When we pulled up a few minutes later, Momma examined my paw again in the car and saw that it was looking much better. At that point she almost bolted, but then she had a better idea – she would ask the tech to take a quick (free) look to confirm, but avoid the vet and his fee. Amazingly, the tech agreed, said the paw looked good, and we were on our way – Momma breezily calling out “no charge, right?” as she whisked me out the door. I only hope we have no reason to return anytime soon.
Momma’s stinginess is not strictly limited to the vet of course. One of my favorite gifts from the infamous birthday party was a gift certificate from Nanny Becky for our neighborhood pet salon. Nanny thought it was about time that I got a nice shampoo and blowdry. Momma immediately nixed the idea though, informing me that Nanny would continue to give me my baths in the laundry room sink (so much for benefits trickling down to the little guy).
She said that the certificate would be used only for the occasional – my guess would be annual – nail clipping. As a result, I have been reduced to “paw tucking” until Momma can squeeze in an appointment for my nails.
One area in which Momma doesn’t scrimp is on my “calming aid” treats. Nanny had suggested them to help with anxiety during thunderstorms. What Nanny didn’t realize (but frankly should have) was that Momma would use them to drug me whenever she wanted a little free time. And judging by the number we go through, I’m pretty sure the aids do not trickle down to just me.
Lina – Fur A New Deal
Paw Script: Yesterday Momma got a card in the mail reminding her that I am due for my Bordetella Shot and Wellness Examination. She has already determined that:
A) I do not need the shot because I am not going to a bordello anytime soon, and
B) I am well.