Momma and I have been through a rather ruff patch. Momma is recovering from a concussion and I am still recovering from the election. I am not sure which is worse. In any case, I’ve been busy taking care of Momma and trying to get my affairs in order to avoid possible deportation to Australia. Even though I’m not from there, President Trump probably thinks I am. Just woofing.
Momma’s troubles started when she sustained a concussion in January while having lunch in Naples. (I am going to go easy here on Momma because of her weakened state, but I can’t help but point out that if she stayed home more, these things wouldn’t happen.) Anyway, it was pretty bad and Momma was scared. I did my part by giving her tons of face licks and waking her up every two hours the first night. (I’ve heard that’s important for some reason and I happen to be good at it.)
Although Momma is better now, she did have some effects from the big bang to her head. For example, she has problems with her memory – nothing new here, but the concussion brought things to a whole new level. It also brought a built-in excuse for every time Momma can’t remember something: “Oh sorry, I don’t remember – I’ve had a concussion, you know,” a refrain I am likely to hear for the rest of my life. Momma even thinks her personality has changed. Out of respect for her condition, I’m not even going to woof a comment.
Not that I’m taking it lightly, but there has also been a silver lining to her injury. Because Momma was not able – in fact advised – not to use her brain much (again – no comment), she was forced to keep her television viewing to a minimum. Since her programs are pretty much limited to Fox News and its jubilant reporting on Trump’s victory, this was a welcome relief to me.
In fact, Momma was told not to do much of anything – to just rest and relax. She had little patience for that, though, and after a couple of weeks of no shopping malls or socializing, turned to shopping online. Since Momma already has more than enough stuff, she began ordering crazy things that she did not need.
For example, one day she ordered a Bose speaker to place in her golf cart. She had decided that she wanted to play music while she golfed – just like the really cool girl with the great personality in her golf league. (I think Momma was also secretly hoping that her new personality would be just like Cool Girl’s.)
When Momma received her speaker and its corresponding little blue case – she purposely didn’t pick pink so Cool Girl wouldn’t know Momma was copying her – she opened the box, eager to get the music going! Like all things technical or electronic, though, Momma hit a few roadblocks along the way.
She had the speaker now, but where would the music come from? There was her iPhone, but she was pretty sure that she had only about two songs stored in it (one being her ring tone). Someone had told her to download Pandora and pick her favorite kind of music, but that involved more than one step, and thus beyond her capabilities – especially now, after the concussion.
Next, Momma thought of her iPawd. She knew that it contained all of her favorites, but she didn’t know if the cord connecting it to her car would fit the Bose speaker. When she got to the car, Momma saw that it wouldn’t work – it did not have the little pointy end that she would need for the receptacle in the Bose.
Well, she thought, Amazon will have the cord I need – they have everything. After an extensive search on Amazon and Google, however, Momma could not find such a cord. Now she was stumped. Then just before she dialed up her (long suffering) IT guy, Gregg, a light bulb went off in her head (and not just because of the concussion). She suddenly realized that the speaker might work without a cord. After all, she didn’t remember Cool Girl having a stupid cord dangling around the golf cart!
Long story short (and this one has gone on way too long), Momma was able to set up her phone and make the Bose work! And miracle of miracles – all of her favorite music magically appeared on her phone when she clicked on the little “eighth note” app symbol. (“It’s all in the clouds these days, Lina” she pronounced, without any idea what she was talking about.)
When Momma realized there was absolutely nothing else on earth she could think of to buy for herself, she turned to shopping for me. After ruling out several good devices like Pet Chatz, a gadget that really would allow her to communicate with me in her absence – unlike the stupid Tweet machine, she settled on the Pooch Selfie (“for the perfect selfie with your pet”).
I hate to be one to point paws, but I’m pretty sure the only reason she got it was because it was cheap (no, the concussion did not change that part of her personality). The Pooch Selfie is a colorful squeak ball that sits in a plastic clamp and attaches to Momma’s phone. It was advertised to “keep dogs attention” (I know – the punctuation!), and would be “fun and easy to use.”
When Momma took a closer look at the new gadget, however, she realized that she was meant to be in the photo with me. (Did she really think that I could take my own selfie??) Anyway, she dreaded the thought of a close up, but she needn’t have worried. This blurry mess is as close as we got to “the perfect selfie.”
Just when I thought things might be getting back to normal – Momma was slowly become herself again (I think – but it’s hard to tell with the new personality and all), and the hubbub about the election was dying down, the Academy Awards took place. Not that we watched them – that is forbidden at our place. When Momma saw the mix up about the best picture award winner the next morning, however, she pounced! “Good God, Lina,” she cried, “they can’t even get that right, and they’re telling us how to vote???” Followed by, “Maybe the Russians did it.”
I think she’s back.
Lina, Still in Recovery Mode (and in La La Land)