Another member of Momma’s village is Uncle Chuck.  When Momma first got me, he was understandably concerned for my welfare so he gave her a magazine on raising Aussies.  He now provides legal services for me (pro bone).  That might seem like an unusual need for a dog, but if you knew Momma, you’d understand.  I don’t think Uncle Chuck is a criminal attorney, but he knows his way around the Criminal Code.  Also, he has connections in Florida should I need emergency help.

Speaking of connections in Florida, one day in December, Chuck texted me and told me of his plans to catch a ride from Minni to Miami on a friend’s airplane.  He knew that I was being held in Minni against my will so he suggested that he bring me along!  Unfortunately, though, Momma read the text and her mind went into overdrive.  She immediately hijacked (speaking of airplanes) the whole trip.  First, she would be going along to “care” for me.  Next, came the outlandish demands like champagne and caviar.  And then, to make it seem like this was all coming from me, she said to ask for Bil Jac dog treats.

Well, as you can imagine, the whole thing backfired and I got a stern lecture from Chuck.  When I explained that Momma was pulling the strings, he got the picture.  He now communicates with me only in French (he calls me Chere Niece Lina!) to avoid Momma’s prying eyes – and to protect my attorney-client privilege.

Me With My Bag Packed

“Rendez-vous a l’aeroport, l’oncle Chuck?”

Lina, Client

WOOFDA!

Amazingly, things are going pretty smoothly in Florida.  Momma is trying – but then I think I have her on the run.  She is worried about all the bad publicity on my Blog.  First she bandied about terms like lawsuit and libel.  She soon dropped all the threats, however, when I informed her that my attorney, Uncle Chuck (more on him later), assured me that Momma had no claim because everything I said about her is true.  Now she’s resorted to bringing me the occasional gift in hopes that her act of kindness will find its way onto my Blog.  Okay – she did buy me a little toy purse on one of her daily shopping trips to Naples.

Life is looking up in other ways, too.  Momma soon discovered that if she has me with her as she wanders around the premises, there is a much greater chance that people will talk to her.  So Momma goes nowhere without me now, especially if there are hunky construction workers around.

One day, the best thing happened – on one of our outings around the building, I met my saving grace – literally – Gracie Fox!  She is a King Charles Spaniel pup and it was love at first sight (“You Had Me At Woof”) with us.  Here we are tussling in the grass one day:

Then through Gracie I met her friend, Halle, and the three of us have become fast friends – we have one or two play dates every day.  Momma even managed to make friends with their mommas, Anne and Carla.  Anne pays special attention to me and sometimes we have play dates at her place when Momma is off “running errands.”

Me with friends, Gracie and Halle

Life is not without its trials, though.  Every morning, after breakfast, Momma and I go for a walk.  (Since I am an Aussie, Momma cleverly refers to it as a “walk-about.”)  The only drawback is that a portion of Momma’s preferred route includes a walk on the beach – a clear violation of local law.  Momma apparently believes that the law does not apply to us, however, because she has dragged me down to the water on numerous occasions in an attempt to force me to swim (another reason she bought me was so she could use me as a prop on her paddle board).  I keep Uncle Chuck’s number handy at times like this.  I fear it will only be a matter of time before Momma and I are arrested.

Me Looking for Cops

Lina, On The Lam

WOOFDA!

You won’t believe what happened today.  So we go to the vet in Florida and Momma is horrified when they weigh me and find I’ve gained another pound.  She knows that any hope she had of carrying me around like an accessory may soon be dashed.  It was quite another story, however, when the doctor told her that I was overweight and that she needed to cut back on my food.  Her mood brightened precipitously – not only was I growing more slowly than it seemed, but also she was going to be able to save money on my food!

Another reason Momma’s mood improved was because the doctor was kinda cute.  Although she tried to pretend she wasn’t interested, I saw all the signs.  She attempted to impress him with her knowledge of dogs and training even though I don’t think she could even tell you what breed I am.  She also pretended to know that dogs are supposed to get flea and heart worm medicine.  She practically took over my exam from him.  Next she attempted to show him her training skills by making me sit (I acted like I’d never heard the word before).  Then to prove how flush and generous she was, Momma asked about personal trainers, doggy day care and overnight boarding.  Finally – and this was the worst – when he showed us the boarding area she asked if he had any private suites!  As though money was no object where I was concerned!

Her little charade came to a screeching halt though when she went to pay.  Her credit card was declined (and this after acting like she was one of the Kardashians).  “There must be some mistake,” Momma sniffed and demanded that they run her card again.  After giving it another try, the lady announced – with some glee I think – that the card had once again been denied.  By now we had the attention of everyone in the waiting room and I was cowering under the counter.  Finally, Momma was reduced to writing a check so we could leave.  If I had a tail, it would have been between my legs.

After that, Momma stopped at the Dollar Store for a little shopping – for me of course.  She wanted to buy some measuring cups to make sure I didn’t get even one extra morsel of food on my new “diet.”  She also wanted to try her credit card again – she was pretty sure that the vet’s office was inept.  Imagine her horror when the card was once again declined!  Now she had a whole new group of spectators watching her with derision.  Luckily for me, she left me in the car and luckily for her, she had a dollar in cash.

Unfortunately, we have to go back to the vet tomorrow for another shot.  I’m already dreading it – she will really be putting on the dog.

Lina, Lying Low

WOOFDA!

Momma wouldn’t like me saying this because she is no fan of Hillary Clinton’s – but apparently it does take a village to raise me.  Let me explain.

No sooner had Momma brought me to the frozen tundra of Minnesota than she decided she had to return to Florida.  It seems she needed to “prepare” for my visit to her place there and buy a few staples for me.  (I still don’t know why she couldn’t have picked up my cheap dog crate when I came down with her after Christmas.)  I also don’t know how she picked up a tan if she was spending all of her time getting things ready for me.

The only upside to the whole thing was that Momma hired Dr. Becca to dogsit for me.  Dr. Becca is fantastic!  She is an animal chiropractor and has a practice called PerPETtual Motion.  You can just tell by the name that she knows what she’s doing when it comes to puppies (unlike some people in my life).  Dr. Becca played with me, petted me and taught me new tricks.  She also fed me on time and routinely took me out to go potty (and she didn’t scream “potty” every ten seconds like I didn’t know why I was outside freezing my butt off in the sub zero weather).  Dr. Becca even did her paperwork from home one day so she could spend more time with me.

Another day she asked my nanny, Becky (yes I have also have a nanny because I am too much for Momma to handle – even though she doesn’t appear to have a job) to stop by and keep me company.  By the way, I love my nanny – she’s the best.  Anyway as it turns out those four days when Momma was in Florida were some of the best of my life so far.

Even in Florida, though, Momma made her presence known.  One day she sent me the following text on Dr. Becca’s cell phone (and I’m quoting):

Hi Princess – Momma here.  Are you being good?  You better be or you are not coming to Florida with me.  I hope you are cooperating with the potty training.  Remember to ONLY go outside or on the training pad.  Be nice to Dr. Becca or she won’t come back – and then I’m going to have to find a foster home for you.  They won’t care that you like pink camo coats or Bil Jac treats.  Just saying.  Okay – good night now.

Luckily Dr. Becca saw the text and assured me that she would come back and care for me anytime.  However, nothing I said  could convince her to cross Momma and become my foster mother.

Another person I would like to have as a foster mother is Nanny Becky.  She loves me with all her heart and would do anything for me – and often has to.  For example, one night I got sick in my crate and accidentally stepped in my mess.  Momma found me in the morning and of course couldn’t deal with the situation (I did weigh about 5 pounds at the time after all) so she called Nanny.  Nanny rushed right over and washed me in the laundry tub – it wasn’t that difficult.

After my bath with Nanny!

And when we finally got to Florida, Momma had no trouble enlisting help from almost perfect strangers.  Would you believe she asked the construction superintendent on her building project to change my pee pad when she was out playing golf?  And even though Brian has a job, he managed to find time to help out!

In case any of my caregivers are reading this, many thanks and a big face lick from me.  And Hillary was right – it does take a village.

Lina, Village Dog

WOOFDA!

When I met Momma, one of the first words out of her mouth was budget.  Seems she’d overspent and was thinking that she needed to cut back.  I have since learned that Momma really can’t – or won’t – cut back on herself so she must find other ways to reduce spending – like on me.

Case in point:  When she picked me up in Florida – did she come with a carrier (required by the airlines), collar, leash, toy, or even a treat?  She did not.  I still cannot believe the breeder let me leave with her.  The poor woman was concerned though and threw in a bag of treats and a little blanket just so I’d have something to lie on in the car for our trip to Momma’s friend’s place in Sarasota.  I did notice right off the bat, however, that Momma was dressed to the nines – no scrimping there.  By the way, shouldn’t I have been restrained in the car with some kind of harness or at least been placed in the backseat to avoid an airbag injury?

I may not have made it through the trip had it not been for Momma’s friend, Rachel.  Not only did she have dog food and water, she also had a travel carrier for my trip home to Minni!  I could tell Momma was disappointed with it though by the way she keep looking at the case.  It was chewed up in a few spots and the zipper was broken.  I also noticed that she set pretended it wasn’t hers at the Tampa SkyClub where we had to stop to so she could have wine.  Speaking of SkyClub – I wonder how that fits into her budget.

Well the term budget might not apply to Momma, but it sure applies to me.  I am only allowed to shop at low end pet stores and then may only buy items on clearance.  You should see my coat – not only is it too big, but it is also blue.  Hello??  I’m a girl.

In my ratty oversized BLUE coat

Momma did stop at Bone Adventure in Edina (if you are not from Minni, that is the swankiest suburb in the Twin Cities) once to ostensibly “shop” for a coat for me, but she came home empty-handed – if I don’t count the bags she was carrying from Nordstrom.

Momma likes to point out that she got me a new outfit for Christmas, but is a collar really an outfit?  Plus, it was so small and chintzy I think it was meant for a cat.  And a boy cat at that – it had a bow tie attached.

In my male cat Christmas outfit

Momma says not to complain, we’re going to her condo in Florida and that can be my Christmas present.  I am going to ask her to drop me off at Rachel’s in Sarasota.

Lina, Looking for a Paw Out

WOOFDA!

Hi, my name is Lina, pronounced with a long i.  I am named after my grandmother once removed (from human to animal).  I am a Toy Australian Shepherd.  Momma wanted a “toy” dog because she thought it would be cool to carry one in her purse à la Paris Hilton, but her plans are being foiled – I am growing like a weed.

I am from Florida – the Sunshine State.  For some odd reason, Momma decided there were no acceptable dogs in Minnesota (or any states in between) so she flew to Florida to kidnap, er … adopt, me and now here I am – in the land of 10,000 lakes and -20 degree temps.  She tried to sell me on the 10,000 lakes thing and all the fun we would have in the water, but I wasn’t fooled.  I know that for 10 months of the year, those lakes are frozen over and I’m not much for ice fishing.  Actually I’m not much for the water at all but that’s another story.

Speaking of my momma, she’s difficult.  Actually disturbed might be a better description, but she is an attorney and I have to be careful what I say around her.  To be honest though (and that’s an absolute defense to defamation I’m told), Momma is a bit ditzy, totally lacking in common sense, socially awkward and embarrasses herself on a regular basis.  In fact, I think the term “faux paw” was coined with her in mind.

Momma is also befuddled by modern technology, is a hopeless shopaholic (although she has deluded herself into thinking she’s on a budget) and to top it all off, is an insufferable Republican.   As you can imagine, life with her is challenging to say the least.  It seems we are always just one step away from catastrophe.

Anyway Momma picked me up on November 7 and we flew home the next day to Minni (as they like to call it here as if it were some kind of Disneyland) just in time for winter – great plan.  Here I am  wondering what has happened to me.

I have now been in “Minni” for about two months living by a perpetually frozen lake.  It wouldn’t be so bad but Momma makes me go outside to go potty about every 20 minutes in deep snow drifts that leave me no clearance.

What follows is my story.  Please stay tuned for periodic posts.  And you might want to keep your eye on Amazon and TV listings – I’m angling for my own book and reality show.  It will be called Online with Lina.

Me at work…

~ Lina

WOOFDA (I’m learning to speak Minnesotan)!