You have to give her credit.  Sometimes Momma tries to cut spending on herself (on select items) and sometimes she even tries to do good for others.  Somehow, though, things always come back to “bite” her . . .

The Drug Dilemma

Recently Momma switched insurance companies and she thought this would be a perfect opportunity to cut costs.  She had enrolled in, well, let’s just call it the Big Government benefit she had been waiting for her entire life.  She was looking forward to what she thought would be free healthcare!  She soon learned however that healthcare was not the bargain, nor as simple as, she thought it would be.

When it came to selecting a cost plan to partner with Big Government’s benefit, she was going to be selective.  No wasted premiums was her motto.  Therefore, when Big Insurance asked if she wanted an Rx plan on her policy, she said emphatically NO!  She wasn’t about to pay for a plan she would not use.  In her mind, she is still in her 20s and doesn’t use medication (none of those unsightly pill organizers with the giant letters for her!).  Plus, Big Insurance was charging about $50 extra per month for the drug plan – money that could well be spent elsewhere – on clothing for example (see below).

Her new austerity plan worked for about a week.  Then she discovered there was a prescription she needed after all.  (I’m thinking – hoping – some sort of mood stabilizer.)

When she went to pick up the pills, Momma had a rude awakening.  The pharmacist handed her a little white bag and announced, “that will be $416.00.”  Gripping the counter, Momma croaked, “There must be some mistake” (the same reaction she has when her credit card is being declined.)  There was no mistake, however – she just didn’t have drug coverage anymore.  Who knew drugs were so expensive?

On the way home, Momma did the math in her head and decided maybe the Rx thing was the way to go after all.  She was just praying that she wouldn’t have to pay a penalty – a consequence she previously chose to ignore – for adding it after her initial enrollment.  She also hoped it was still the open enrollment period.  Why did this insurance stuff have to be so complicated?  In the back of her mind of course she was already blaming Obama Care.

Resigning herself to the fact that she had made a mistake, Momma dialed Big Insurance back up.  When she finally got through to a human being, she had to do the whole enrollment process again which took the better part of the morning.  After a few torturous moments on the phone with Momma – and wanting to end the call I’m sure – the representative inquired of Momma, “Do you know how to use the Internet, dear?”

The fact that Big Insurance’s representative was lumping Momma into a category of elderly people that may not even know how to use the Internet was almost more than she could bear.  She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.  She stuck with it, though, not wanting to hang up and have to start the hellish process all over again.  (At this point, I rewarded her with a face lick!)

The Closet Catastrophe

The drug matter put to bed for the moment, Momma turned to another project she hated -cleaning out her closet.

She knew it was necessary because her closet was jammed with stuff she never wore.  She also rationalized that if she got rid of some old stuff, she would be justified in getting some new items – applying her own backwards version of the rule mandating that if one bought something new, they must get rid of something old.  And Momma had a plan for the disposal of the old clothing – she would give it to Goodwill (“It’s time to give back, Lina.”)

Filled with warm feelings of, well, goodwill, Momma hurriedly pulled things off hangers, out of drawers and off shelves and stuffed them into shopping bags.  She wanted to get this done and get it done fast – like ripping the band-aid off quickly!

The day after Momma’s frenzied purging, she went to put on her favorite pair of jeans.  The only problem was that they were no longer in her closet.  Realizing instantly what had happened, she howled, “No, Lina, no!”

How could she get them back?  Would Goodwill allow her to go through the bags she dropped off the day before?  Would they even still be there?  Would she have to buy back her own jeans if she found them?

Getting no good answers over the phone, Momma showed up bright and early to shop for her jeans at Goodwill (really could things get any worse, she thought??)  To no avail as it turned out – Momma never got her jeans back (another face lick from me).  Luckily, she has some space for new ones in her closet.

Me shopping for a pill organizer and jeans

Lina, Momma’s Rock

Woofda!

Dear Little Miss Perfect – I mean Lina,

Just read “Another Hasty Exit.”  I think you forgot to mention that you chewed up Dr. Becca’s iPhone earbuds during your blissful week with the Bs.  Just saying . . .

Momma

Momma was leaving town again and she was bound and determined there be no issues or drama this time for Dr. Becca or Nanny Becky.  I don’t think she was as concerned about inconveniencing them as she was about another humiliating Blog post.

She almost made it.  She had dog food, bones, and treats on hand.  She even managed to leave a key for Becca so she could get in and out of the house to care for me.  She was, however, running a tad behind as usual and quite harried as she prepared to catch a ride to the airport.  Since I hadn’t gone potty for an eternity, Momma decided she should take me out, even though she really couldn’t spare the time.  “Hurry up Lina, let’s go potty!” she commanded.  She clipped me to my leash and then, forgetting what she was doing, ran to the kitchen to make coffee for the road.  I trailed behind her, wondering what happened to my potty trip.

As Momma attempted to force the lid on the coffee cup, it squished out of her grasp and the steaming hot liquid flew everywhere.  The counter, the cabinets, the drawers, the floor and her clothing were all drenched.  The hot coffee even burned her skin in places, and for a brief moment, she thought of suing someone over this (the figure $3 million crossed her mind).

But first things first:  In pain and nearly hysterical, Momma began hopping around and yelling, “Lina, Lina!” while I watch in horror (with my legs crossed).  She became a maniac at this point, trying to rip her clothing off and clean up the mess at the same time.  Taking me to the bathroom was the last thing on her mind.

When Momma finished wiping up the coffee and had carefully selected a new traveling ensemble, she finally remembered that I was running around with my leash attached, desperately needing to go potty.  Now really out of time, she pulled me out the door shrieking, “Hurry, Lina, go potty quick – Momma’s gotta leave right now!!!”  Luckily I was able to perform and off she went.

In her haste, Momma had left the coffee-soaked clothing, including her favorite sweater, in the laundry room.  Suddenly it occurred to her that if someone could take her sweater to the cleaners immediately, they might be able to save it.  Becca was coming over anyway, and Momma thought she would just call and give her a little heads up.  It seems Momma forgot that Becca had a full time job and might not be up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.  Since Becca didn’t answer, she left a message and then called Becky – just in case she was standing at the ready with nothing to do.

When Momma got to the airport and – temporarily – came to her senses, she realized that a stained sweater maybe may not be the national emergency she thought it was, and texted the Bs to apologize and explain.  (She was also a little nervous that this might be the last straw for both of them.)  By then, however, the Bs had come to the rescue and the precious sweater was already at the cleaners.

The morning’s emergency over, Momma’s worries now turned to the Blog.  She texted Becca, warning her that I better not broadcast her latest fiasco and referring to me as “The Little Tattletail.”

With Momma finally out of my fur, things calmed down at home and my week with the Bs progressed nicely.  They often reported to Momma on our activities, in case her thoughts ever turned to me.  Becca told Momma that she took me along to run errands and even to work (“To what?” Momma queried) one day.  Becca also sent a photo of my new Halloween toy:

Me with my Hedgehog!

And my new size-appropriate pink harness:

Don’t tell Momma I said this, but I saw her studying the picture when trying to figure out how to put it on me.

Mercifully there are never any emergencies when the Bs are in charge and we had a fun, relaxing week.  All too soon though, Momma’s (and my!) vacation was over and she returned.  In case you are wondering, the stain did not come out of the sweater, the replacement cost of which can only hurt the Bottom Lina.

Lina, The Little Tattletail

WOOFDA!

This morning Momma discovered to her dismay that she was out of K-Cups for her coffee maker.  Thus, she decided she would have to venture out to get her required caffeine fix.  She also decided that we would stop at the local pet salon on the way and get my nails clipped (compliments of Nanny).  This went well and the ladies even trimmed the matted fur by my ears.  (Ahem!)

After my “grooming” visit, we were off to get coffee.  That was not as easy as it might sound.  We couldn’t go to the nearest coffee shop because she was boycotting it.  She felt she must make a statement due to the company’s politically correct policies and practices with which she did not agree.  Momma was really on her high horse about this.  (“We’re going to hit them where it hurts, Lina – in the pocket book!”)

She really needed a cup of coffee though and had already equivocated, deciding that buying just one cup from them wouldn’t be a huge breach of her boycott – or make much of a difference to them.  However, she really needed the K-Cups, too – and that was more of a major purchase – and a boost to the company bottom line.  She decided to stick to her guns and go somewhere else.

Just then, though, Momma remembered that this PC company did give away a great doggie treat – and that the doggie treat was FREE!  Now Momma was facing a really big dilemma – should she stand on principle or get a free treat for me (a dream come true for her)?

As we sped into their drive-through lane, I was already licking my chops.

YUM!

Lina, One Happy Pup!

WOOFDA!

As you might expect, Momma is a big proponent of the trickle down theory of economics, where all the money starts at the top and allegedly trickles down to the little guy.  As you also might expect, Momma doesn’t always practice what she preaches – the only thing that trickles down at our house are spending cuts.

Arguably the best example of her version of the trickle down(to dog) theory was when I got stung on my paw by what I can only assume was a bee.  We were at the end of the driveway retrieving the mail when the sting occurred.  It hurt like heck and I immediately let out a little yelp and started hopping around, signaling my distress to Momma.  She paid little attention at first though, engrossed as she was with her daily stack of catalogs from Nordstrom and Neiman.  Finally, though, she couldn’t help but notice that I was only walking on three legs.

Grudgingly (“now what, Lina?”), Momma did a little exam of the injured paw and saw that it was bright pink and two of the pads were quite swollen.  Not knowing anything about insect stings, especially on dogs, Momma was once again forced to call the vet’s office.  (What if she did nothing and I died – how would she explain that to her friends?)  The nice young technician who answered the phone suggested that Momma bring me in.

When we pulled up a few minutes later, Momma examined my paw again in the car and saw that it was looking much better.  At that point she almost bolted, but then she had a better idea – she would ask the tech to take a quick (free) look to confirm, but avoid the vet and his fee.  Amazingly, the tech agreed, said the paw looked good, and we were on our way – Momma breezily calling out “no charge, right?” as she whisked me out the door.  I only hope we have no reason to return anytime soon.

Momma’s stinginess is not strictly limited to the vet of course.  One of my favorite gifts from the infamous birthday party was a gift certificate from Nanny Becky for our neighborhood pet salon.  Nanny thought it was about time that I got a nice shampoo and blowdry.  Momma immediately nixed the idea though, informing me that Nanny would continue to give me my baths in the laundry room sink (so much for benefits trickling down to the little guy).

After a bath with Nanny!

She said that the certificate would be used only for the occasional – my guess would be annual – nail clipping.  As a result, I have been reduced to “paw tucking” until Momma can squeeze in an appointment for my nails.

One area in which Momma doesn’t scrimp is on my “calming aid” treats.  Nanny had suggested them to help with anxiety during thunderstorms.  What Nanny didn’t realize (but frankly should have) was that Momma would use them to drug me whenever she wanted a little free time.  And judging by the number we go through, I’m pretty sure the aids do not trickle down to just me.

Lina – Fur A New Deal

WOOFDA!!

Paw Script:  Yesterday Momma got a card in the mail reminding her that I am due for my Bordetella Shot and Wellness Examination.  She has already determined that:

A)  I do not need the shot because I am not going to a bordello anytime soon, and

B)  I am well.

Momma had a birthday recently, too, but unlike mine she wanted to keep hers under wraps.  Therefore, she won’t be happy to read about it on my Blog, but it is my Blog, after all and I retain complete editorial control.  And as much as she doesn’t like big government or entitlement programs, trust me – she is happy with her new medical benefits.

Momma did not spend her birthday with me.  She told me she must drive up to Bemidji for business meetings on the weekend.  Frankly, that was okay with me because Dr. Becca came to stay.  Nanny Becky also came by and played with me when she could.  So all in all, it was a nice weekend – and frankly good to have a little adult supervision for a change (did I just woof that?)!

Momma wanted to be sure that she had her ducks in a row before she left this time because, as she put it, she did not need anymore bad press from me.  I’m pretty sure she was thinking about the time Becca stayed and Momma forgot to leave dog food.  But I dogress.

Momma really tried hard this time.  She made sure I had food, water and a bed, and she even gave me a little 2-calorie treat before she left.  I was proud of her – it seemed she had actually become a responsible dog owner.  It soon became apparent that she was not quite there, however, when Becca discovered that Momma had locked her out of the house.  (If I had to guess, I’d say that Momma got a little distracted towards the end because of all the outfits she was trying on for her “meetings.”)

Anyway, as usual Becky came to the rescue and the weekend proceeded swimmingly. Becky and Uncle Tom came over and played with me and brought me a cupcake in honor of Momma’s birthday.

Becca spent quality time with me, too – she did some training with me and took me for walks.  When Momma complained to Becca that I had not been minding her on walks, Becca calmly pointed out that treats work better than threats.  She also told Momma that she would go to the dog supply store before her next visit and get me a harness that fit.  (Ouch!)  Becca also took the time to create a birthday card for Momma from me.

If I do say so myself, I think I look kinda cool!

When Momma came home from Bemidji, she spent all evening on the computer.  It seems she had gotten some birthday messages on Facebook and she didn’t know how to respond. For example, was she expected – or even able to respond?  What if she said the same thank-you message to everyone, would her well-wishers think she was thoughtless and be offended?  What if she said something personal to one person – would everyone be able to read it?

The issue only intensified when she switched between devices and email and websites.  She soon forgot who she had (possibly) responded to and was now worried that she was responding twice – and if it showed up on Facebook, she would be a laughingstock.  And of course she didn’t know what showed up on Facebook because she did not know how to navigate the site.  What was the difference between a status update, a wall and a time line???

In the event you were one of the people who sent her a birthday greeting and didn’t hear back from her – or heard back more than once – please accept this as a personal heartfelt thank you from Momma.  I know she appreciated it!

Lina, Damage Control Specialist and Editor in Chief

WOOFDA!

As summer winds down, and Momma’s outdoor activities cur”tail,” she has decided that it was time to step up our efforts to bring my Blog to the next level.  She still views it as a vehicle to pay for her dog-related expenses (limited as they are).  Consequently, she decided we must “bone” up on how to modernize the site and get more publicity.  And she knew just the book to help us with our strategy – Blogging for Dummies.  (“I know it’s beneath us, Lina, but desperate times call for desperate measures.”)

Me doing some preliminary research . . .

When the book arrived Momma flipped through the Table of Contents, trying to pick out the parts on which we should focus.  She quickly decided to skip many topics such as “Setting Up Your Blog” and “Creating Great Content” since in her mind we had mastered them already.  This was going to be a breeze she thought.  Maybe she would even help me write a book called Blogging for Smarties!

She soon hit a snag, though, when she came across chapters with words she didn’t understand like Tumblr, Squarespace and Vlogging.  Maybe we didn’t know everything there was to know about blogging just yet.  Momma was in a hurry to get to the part of the book on making money, though, so she decided to skip some of the more technical chapters for now.

Next she came upon the part of the book on marketing and promoting.  This was it she thought – this would be the key to instant success!  She soon reached another dead end, though when she read that marketing involved more things she knew nothing about – like RSS and Twitterverse.  How could this book be for dummies???

Skipping ahead again (she really had no choice), Momma finally hit paydirt when she got to the section called “Getting Paid to Post.”  Now we’re cooking, she thought.  Her excitement was short-lived, however when she saw she would have to read about 100 pages and research new terms and sites like MediaWhiz and SiteScout.  And there was that term again – RSS!  Oh, and pawdcasting, er… podcasting.  At this point Momma knew she was “licked” and put the book away.

So that’s where we stand at the time this goes to press – still stuck in the stone age.  In the meantime, I hope you will spread the word about my Blog – and keep your paws crossed that someday someone will miraculously decide to buy some ad space from us.

Lina, Research Assistant

WOOFDA!

No sooner had we gotten over the hubbub of my self-serving birthday party, when we hit the road again for another trip “up north.”  This time we were accompanied by the daughters of one of Momma’s ex-husbands – Tammy and Talla.  As usual with Momma’s friends and relatives, they took over my care for the trip.

Momma was happy the girls came along because it gave her a chance to pick their brains (and not just about their father’s love life).  She wanted them to explain to her what hashtag meant.  That was all she ever heard or read about these days.  Hashtag this, hashtag that.  Scared of being left behind, Momma wanted to learn what it was all about so she could stay relevant – and one presumes, sound cool.

After a futile attempt to explain it to her, the girls finally gave up.  Momma’s eyes were glazed over and she still didn’t know the difference between a hashtag and a dogtag.  Nevertheless, “hashtag” stuck in her brain and she couldn’t stop saying it.  Every.  Sentence.  Began.  With.  Hashtag.  Like #canyoudrivealittlefaster, #Linaneedstogopotty, and #didwebringwine.  I don’t know who was happiest when we finally arrived at the cabin, #butIthinkitwasme.

Just like last time, I had a blast up north and Tammy and Talla were great.  They extricated me from my crate in the morning and took me out to go potty while Momma slept in.  (Momma wouldn’t let them feed me though because she is strictly monitoring my food ever since I had an extra treat at my party.)  (#youareonadiet.)

Tammy and Talla also thought up neat things for me to do with them – and they could make anything fun.  For example, one day we played canoe with an old dead tree that had blown down.  I’m just surprised Momma didn’t make us put it in the lake.

Talla, Tammy and me in our “canoe”

The only down side to our trip was the weather.  It was about 100 degrees every day with no breeze.  It was so hot, I actually went in the lake on my own freewill.  I thought this was a great example of global warming, but I didn’t dare say that to Momma.  I know that I would get her standard response:  “It’s called weather, Lina.”

Me cooling off!

Even though Momma doesn’t subscribe to the global warming theory, she does like to point out how “green” we are because we cool off in the lake rather that in air conditioning (basically because we don’t have air conditioning at the cabin, but don’t bother Momma with the facts).

Despite the blistering heat, Momma insisted that we have a fire everyday (#letsbuildafire) – she said it was tradition and plus we could make s’mores later!  So we all pitched in and built fires, raising the temperature in the yard by at least 10 degrees.

Here I am helping with the fire and lying under the glider, glued to the cool earth trying to get some relief from the heat~

My own form of green!

I think everyone was relieved when it was time to go home. Momma seemed to forget all about being “green,” and turned on the AC full blast!  I definitely know who was happiest to be on the road again.  #itwasme!

@Lina, (Hashtag) Happy Hound

Woofda!

It is now the morning after and Momma is moving a little slowly.  She is bleary-eyed, sitting at the kitchen counter and staring at a mountain of doggie toys, treats, cards and doggie decor items.  She, of course, has no idea who gave me what.  This is going to make writing the thank you notes difficult, if not impossible.  This is Momma’s own fault, by the way – she had strongly hinted that gifts were welcome (if not expected).

Despite the gift follow-up fiasco in the making, though, the party itself was a hoot!  The cake and treats from Nanny Becky were delicious and for once Momma wasn’t scrimping on my food.

Goodies & Gifts!

We had a big crowd – many of Momma’s friends were there and they were all super nice!  They were fun and even helped wait on others and clean up while Momma socialized.  Some of my furry friends joined us, too!

Jaelyn is ready to party!

Jaelyn, Charlie, Me, CoCoa & Willie with their well-trained owners!

We had a blast chasing toys and each other, swimming, snacking and generally keeping our parents on their paws, er … toes!  Actually, I didn’t swim except when Momma plopped me in the water next to Charlie.  Momma had noticed that I was crazy about him and thought that puppy love might “Trump” my aversion to water, but she was wrong.  I did spend most of the day chasing Charlie on land, however, even though he wanted nothing to do with me.  (Don’t tell Momma but I overheard a friend say “like mother, like daughter.”)  Ouch!

I’m not giving up on Charlie!

After the guests had enjoyed Gloria’s wonderful Mexican food, Momma announced that everyone should gather around the patio table for a gift opening ceremony.  At this point several people rolled their eyes and muttered “ceremony??”  I know, right??

Oblivious to the guests’ growing impatience, Momma began by leading the group in a rousing rendition of “Happy Birthday,” and proceeded with her endless opening of my gifts and cards, replete with a rambling explanation for each.

After the gift opening, and before she totally lost the group’s attention, Momma turned to the promotion of my Blog (this was the point of the party, after all).  While passing out my business cards (“Take a few and give them to your friends,” she insisted), Momma urged everyone to stay up-to-date on Lina’s Dog Blog.

Last, and as proof that I’m worth reading, Momma proudly announced that I had won the 2015 “Pawlitzer Prize” for my Blog and presented me with the award – a gift from Uncle Chuck (my legal counsel) and his dog, Willie!

Thinking about my next post . . .

Everyone clapped their hands pawlitely, but I’m not sure that we gained any readers. In fact, it seemed to have the opposite effect – as soon as Momma’s little production was over, people couldn’t wait to “high tail” it to their cars.

Back to the morning after…  Momma is now contemplating the “A Little Hair of the Dog Cures All” message on one of the wine gift bags.  It was going to be a long day.

Just remember, if you receive a thank you note and it has nothing at all to do with the gift you gave, Momma means well.  Keeping that in mind, I would like to personally woof out a big thank you to everyone – the gifts were super cool and the party was wonderful.  My tail (if I had one) would be wagging!

Lina, Little Big Girl Now

WOOFDA!

I will soon be 1(!) and plans are now in full swing for a blowout bash to celebrate my birthday.  I was kind of excited at first because at least two of my doggie friends will be there, including one of my BFFs, CoCoa.  However, as with most things Momma, the party is spiraling out of control.  I don’t think it’s so much that Momma wants to celebrate my birthday as it is that she views the party as a chance to promote my Blog.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she is trying to find a way to make me pay for my keep.

Let me explain.  Momma has been reading up on blogging and has learned that as a general rule companies will not advertise on a site unless it has about 10,000 visits per month (and that leaves us about 9,999 short).  Undaunted, Momma has begun a new campaign to increase my readership – beginning with the party.

Thus, the first step Momma took to prepare was to order business cards for me (she even popped for expedited delivery so we’d get them in time).  These she plans to shamelessly pass out at the party and “hound” people to spread the word!

Momma has been gearing up in other ways, too.  First she went to a party store to find hats for the dog attendees.  Luckily there were none there or at any other store she visited.  She did, however manage to “dig” up some doggie scarfs that my friends would be required to wear.

Next Momma got the idea – to showcase me even more – that I should wear a little crown or tiara for the party.  That also didn’t go well.  She did find some mini-tiaras attached to little combs at her favorite discount store but, thank God, could not make them stay in my hair … er, fur.  Unfortunately though she did find a frilly little pink dress for me sporting the lame message, “It’s My Barkday!”

I’m actually thinking about becoming a boy (I mostly identify as one anyway) so I won’t have to wear it.

Despite her springing for this party, Momma hasn’t forgotten how to cut corners for my care.  The other day she announced that because there’s nothing in the budget for spiffing me up at a salon, she will groom me herself – this means running a brush through my fur – for the big day.  In fact, the last time I was at a groomer, it was to have my nails cut.  They hadn’t been done in like forever and Momma suddenly remembered she wasn’t the only one who needed nail care.  In a panic she whipped me over to the neighborhood groomer – scared to death that they would turn her into PETA or the ASPCA.

Of course Momma’s party plans did not include any kind of food preparation (that would cut into her own professional grooming time).  Luckily Nanny Becky realized this omission and asked if she could provide the doggie treats and cupcakes for the humans.  When it finally it hit Momma that this would not be enough food – unless the humans could be convinced to eat dog food – she called her caterer friend, Gloria, who agreed (on about a moment’s notice) to help us out.  Gloria even came up with a theme – Mexican Fiesta!  This made Momma happy because then she could claim she contributed to the meal – even she knows how to make margaritas!

Stay tuned ~

Lina, Business Woman and Party Girl (Boy?)

WOOFDA!